Heroin Users 75% More Likely To Be Successful

Figures out today suggest that heroin and crack cocaine users are 75% more likely to achieve success in the creative arts and music industry than non-drugs users.

According to a recent poll, more than 88% of artists hitting the big time in the music industry are regular smackheads, with heroine and crack heading the  “must-do” list of A-listers at the MTV music awards. The remaining 12% can be accounted for by Cliff Richards string of number one records.

Meanwhile, in the art world, cannabis features heavily in the top-rated European and U.S.A artworld with most artists expressing gratitude that cannabis will shortly be reclassified as a Class B drug. An anonymous artist who is not Banksy, but simply wishes to remain anonymous for this interview, stated, “Thank God, at last I will be taken seriously as an artist.”

The Royal College of Music is said to be looking into ways to increase drug use in the hope of propelling a few instrumentalists into the same highly paid limelight as fellow mentalists such as Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards.

Amy Winehouse is 24 and her latest tattoo reads “Flake loves Blake.”

Portugese Police Arrest Kids for Abandoning Parents Abroad

Portugese authorities have today arrested three children for failing to take care of their drunken parents. The officials were horrified to discover the father passed out on a sofa in reception, while the mother was found lying in her own vomit beside the lift.

The couple, from Londonderry, had been knocking back vodka shots during happy hour. A waiter at the Hotel bar stated that none of three children, aged between one and six, had intervened or tried to stop their parents drinking. Alfonze Del Paramour said in a statement,”If one of the kids had just had a quiet word, we would have stopped serving them, they never even asked.”

The children were taken into custody following the incident which shocked hotel and bar staff. Police authorities have revealed that the six year old is normally left in charge of the other two while the parents get smashed at home. The boy has been unable to say why he suddenly failed in his duty of care to his parents and younger siblings whilst abroad.

Portugese police are still seeking a British girl, Madeleine McCann, who disappeared in similar circumstances exactly one year ago.

Ginger Twat Gets Medal

Prince Harry is to get a medal for his secret tour of duty in Afghanistan as a Forward Hair Controller. The Prince was secretly flown in despite his red barnett being a draw to Afghan soldiers everywhere.

The Prince’s duties, conducted from a heavily guarded concrete bunker, were to control and style the hair of his fellow serving officers and to rebrand his playboy image.

A fellow Household Cavalry member, also in line for a medal, stated that Harry services as a Forward Hair Controller were invaluable. We couldn’t have aimed a gun at anyone with hair all over our faces, Harry’s styling skills were a godsend.

Harry famously visited a fellow soldier who lost an arm and a leg in the confrontation and gave him a big quiff while he was unconcious. Although the media attention Harry’s visit drew was described as “annoying” by the Prince, it is believed to have helped enormously to rebrand his image.

Princess Anne will place the medal on her nephew’s chest, insiders claim she has ordered an extra long pin.

Friends Renuited Launch New Website - “Bastards Reunited”

Following the phenomenal success of popular website “Friends Reunited”, which puts old schoolfriends back in touch, the creators have launched a new website called “Bastards Reunited”.

The website aims to reunite all those illegitimate children of feckless fathers, who thought they were alone in the world, with their scattered siblings. Having conducted several surveys it seems that most fathers who sire children outside of marriage, will probably have a couple more tucked away too, all oblivious to the existence of each other.

Users are asked to register with “Bastards Reunited” and input the name of their parents, if known. If unknown the date and place of birth can be added to a search feature which will match you to likely fathers from that area.

The site also offers a service for finding step-siblings, another blooming branch of current society and instead of a “family tree”, the website suggests building a “family hedge” of siblings, suspected siblings, step-siblings, step-parents, suspected parents etc.

Single mothers everywhere have welcomed the move, hopeful that they can at last determine who fathered their child and get some maintenance money.

Plus Size Role Model Speaks Out Against Anorexia

Plus Size model, Jen Hunter, 25, has spoken out in an effort to deter impressionable young women from dieting to themselves to death.

Jen, who at 7 stone 2 pounds (98 pounds) is classed as Plus Size in the modelling industry says that there is far too much pressure on anorexics to remain thin. Fitting into an outsize six 6, Jen claims that she used to be ashamed of her “huge ass”  and “wobbly gut” but slowly realised that “big can be beautiful” after intensive counselling.

According to Jen, “At sixe 6, I can’t fit into anything in Top Shop or any designer clothes, but there are lots of fashion outlets such as Matalan, Aldi or Walmart, where I can get clothes to fit me. I am a successful model, albeit because of my freak value, and I want to send a positive message to other obese teenagers and young women out there.”

When asked whether she would be happy at a size 14-16, the average size for U.K women, Jen looked blank. We explained the measurements and pointed out a couple of shoppers and a horrified Jen asked, “Those are humans? Oh my god, I thought they were cows or something.”

Health-Anti-Clot Drug Could Spare Thousands

A new anti-clot drug could spare thousands of young females all over the world from embarrassing and potentially terrifying experiences.

Wider use of the breakthrough drug which claims to repel clots in a variety of situations such as clubs, bars, restaurants and Spoof Forums will benefit womankind over the next few years.

The manufacturer today claimed, “Anywhere a clot is likely to approach you, he will be physically repelled if you have taken this drug.”

However, the company also warned that if a group of women are all taking the anti-clot drug and one isn’t they could become a “clot-magnet”, leaving them open to grotesque chat up lines such as , “Get your coat, you’ve pulled” and the classic gut-shudderer, “If I said you had a sexy body would you hold it against me?”

Mens groups are already forming to employ resting writers to compose more intelligent chat-up lines such as “That’s a nice dress, it would look great crumpled up on my bedroom carpet” in order to combat the drug and to coach single male clots in the art of ant-clot drug avoidance.

Newly-single buck-toothed, fat-bellied male clot Buck Wheatbutt, said today.” I can’t believe my bad luck, I just spent my life savings on Rohypnol.”

Hucking Goats Lead to Underground Cannabis Factory

Police have discovered that the town known as “Hucking” which lies on Cuckold Hill between Ansty and Hickstead is totally fictitious. The mocked up town which covers an area of 400 metres square is actually just a few feet of earth and cardboard buildings covering an elaborate underground complex used solely for growing cannabis.

A hatch in the mocked up local Post Office, complete with stuffed cat, leads down to the huge underground plant of inter-connected ladders and hatches, powered by artificial lighting.

A tourist stopping by to call in for a first class stamp sparked the alert after attempting to get served in the Post Office. The tourist said today in a statement, “A swarthy unshaven man came to the counter when I rang the bell. I was a bit taken aback as he was carrying an AK-47 and his cat was obviously dead. When I asked for a Special Issue Set he winked and gave me a little packet of something costing thirty quid.”

However, the real clincher was when the tourist and his family spotted several grazing goats seeming to fall through potholes in a nearby field.

A spokesman for Sussex Police said the tourists had called the police as thirty quid is clearly extortionate for an ounce of weed and they were outraged. But the growers, being led into custody seemed to think that the goats were to blame for their demise, shouting to waiting reporters, ” We’d have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.”